The Politics of Driving

Driving around Austin - and I have to drive way too much every day - it seems like everyone has a bumper sticker making some statment from the back of their car. The city is remarkably polarized and full of outspoken folks involved in state government and the university. Everyone has an agenda to flog and they're willing to say it on their bumper.

This has created a great opportunity to observe the relationship between political convictions and driving style. When you see drivers exhibiting certain sorts of behavior you can bet on seeing the matching bumper sticker. Based on this, you can now protect yourself by knowing what to expect based on what you see on the bumpers of the cars around you.

In general politically conservative drivers tend to be lumbering and somewhat overbearing, while liberal drivers are usually timid and indecisive. In my experience the liberals are more annoying and more dangerous, while the conservatives are predictable and slow to react - which I generally prefer in the drivers around me.

When I'm out on the highway all that matters is that I get where I'm going as quickly as possible. Austin traffic is a nightmare, and living some miles from town in my fortified compound, I need every break I can get to speed up my all too frequent trips into town. In this pursuit, the quality of the drivers around me makes a big difference, as what they do can slow me down or even put me in danger, so I keep a close eye on their behavior patterns.

I'm not too worried about the republican sporting a 'W' sticker who's lumbering along in his SUV in the middle lane. It's easy to avoid them, zip around them and get where I want to go. What does scare me is the timid driver who drives at slow speed in the left lane of the highway flashing a random turn signal and sporting a Kerry/Edwards bumper sticker. They're clearly out of their depth, somewhat terrified, and liable to make an unpredictable move in any direction.

In general it's the liberal drivers who seem to be the threat, and they break down into three groups.

The least dangerous are the ones who sport one or two bumper stickers with a clear message. The driver with a single 'No W' bumper sticker is generally a serious, decisive liberal whose only a threat if the hybrid engine on his riceburner gives out.

The most common group are those sporting somewhat less aggressive stickers or ones with more complex messages. They're the ones who are likely to be driving slow in the fast lane, fast in the slow lane, missing their turns and braking suddenly for no reason. They've got stuff on their minds, are a bit frightened by just being on a road dominated by republicans in SUVs, and likely to bolt. When I see someone on the highway with a Bush/Kerry sticker and a "Texas Democrat" sticker I'm not too worried but keep an eye on them. If they've added an issue sticker then they're more of a threat, proportional to the craziness of their sticker.

The ones that really scare me are driving a 1980 VW Golf with the back completely covered with issue stickers, many of them contradictory, incredibly obscure and hideously out of date. You don't usually see these on the highway. They're terrified of highway driving. They may even think that highways are evil since they enable the big polluters like 18-wheelers and SUVs. These drivers are actually at their most dangerous in parking lots and on small streets where they are most often found. They're the ones who start to come out of parking spots, stop when they see you approaching, wait half in and half out of their spots, and then wave you around them, at which point they surge uncontrollably out of the space and ram you in the side. They're so terrified by other vehicles, so sure that the world is out to get them that they can't make a decision or think ahead for more than a few seconds. They're unpredictable, desperate and irrational, and that makes them a hazard to everyone.

I'm still trying to figure out what Wiccan and rock band supporter stickers mean about the drivers of those cars, but for now, when you see the car with "Free Tibet", "Kucinich 2004" and "Visualize World Peace" on the back, take cover.